So it is now January 4th.
I graduate on May 4th.
By my math, that’s only 4 months.
I think I’m supposed to be excited about graduating.
Here’s a secret: I’M NOT.
Ok, that’s not a secret.
But here are the facts.
I don’t know where I’m going to live. Do I go home or stay in Nashville? It would be really hard to pack and once-and-for-all leave Aurora, the one place I’ve always truly called home. Yet, if I leave Nashville, I’m afraid I’ll never come back.
I don’t know if I’ll have a job. It would be pretty hard to stay in Nashville if I become another one of those statistics, the college graduate who can’t get a job. My summer job for the past 5 years has been so good to me and gotten me through college financially, but I’m not eager to resort to that again this year.
I’m scared of uncertainty. I’m a planner, that’s how it is. I always have everything planned out, and I know exactly what I’m doing and where I’m going and whatever whatever. Every second of my day is scheduled so that I know what’s going on and I can make the most of my time every day. But I don’t have a plan this time. The (figurative) calendar is blank after May 5th. That’s terrifying to me.
But do you see a theme in all of that? I. Me.
I am constantly reminding myself that it’s not about me. God knows what’s ahead even though I don’t. And I have to force myself to listen and believe that, because even I want to resist. We hear that alllll the time, in every difficult situation. “God is in control. Trust Him.” I get bored with hearing the same things over and over. I write them off as cliches. But if you think about it, we wouldn’t say that stuff all the time if it weren’t true.
It IS true, though! Praise God, the One Who knows my worries and fears and doubts, the One Who is bigger than them, and the One Who will take care of me no matter what. He never promised that I would make 6 figures (hellloooo, music business major, yeah right), or that I would have a perfectly comfortable life free from any and all troubles, but He promised to always love me, to always be my Heavenly Father, to never leave me, and to always be there for me when I need Him (and for those times when I forget I need Him).
I think worrying is such a normal part of life that we forget to consider it sin. And who wants to call it that. But it is. More confession: I worry, therefore I sin. We are commanded not to worry and not to fear. My type A personality doesn’t like to listen to that command, but seriously, I have better things to do than worry. Fearing the future doesn’t change it. Trusting God gives me the ability to welcome it. Of course I can’t ignore the situation and pretend like something is going to magically drop into my lap on graduation day with no effort of my own. I need to be proactive, but I need to give God the ultimate control, and He has that already.
So this is it. One more semester and then I have to grow up and be an adult. I want to make the most of it and not look back with any regrets. If you have any verses that encourage you when you’re struggling with worry or fear, could you post them in the comments please? I would love to see those. In the meantime:
Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. (NASB)